An Ode to Hemorrhoids by Dominick Maino They. They Hurt. They Hurt. A lot. Thee End (figuratively and literally) You Know You’re in Trouble When Your Farts Hurt! Who gets hemorrhoids? Folks with butts. Having a butt (the bigger the better) is only considered an ass-et when you are an influencer, famous for being famous and/or a pop singer in the 21st Century. Hemorrhoids are also associated with individuals who sit. I know, I know individuals who sit include just about all of humanity. Bus drivers, office workers, tax accountants and writers frequently need to sit for hours in order to do their jobs. Professors often sit as they develop course outlines, grade tests, and prepare papers for publication. Individuals with bad backs, arthritis and those in pain when they move, sit. Waitresses, chefs and nurses never have time to sit. When nurses sit they usually hate it because that means time away from patient care. It’s the time they are mandated to chart. They chart the patient’s temperature, blood pressure and, you know, all that medical stuff. It’s time that interrupts nurses from putting the humanity back into healthcare. So, let’s see, what about me, am I likely to get hemorrhoids? I’m an Emeritus Professor, who writes and has arthritis which can make movement uncomfortable. Am I currently suffering from hemorrhoids? I don’t know of anyone who would think about hemorrhoids, let along write about them, unless they have an “upclose,” personal relationship with those enflamed little but now engorged blood vessels. Yes. I have hemorrhoids. Now, let me do a deep dive into the treatment of hemorrhoids. Actually, maybe I’ll save that story for another time. Taking a deep dive into one’s, anus somehow sounds too much like a Stephen King story to me. [BTW after writing hemorrhoids three times in a row in this story, you’d think I’d know how to spell hemorrhoids. Nope. Spell check caught my errors so many times that eventually I just ended up copying and then pasting “hemorrhoids” when needed. I just did that now.]
